I’m Not a Bad Person and I Have Proof!

Morning friends!  I’m in an especially-cheery mood today because my lifestyle was validated by none other than Mena Trott, co-founder of Movable Type and pioneer of the blogging revolution.  She said: recording my life is important.  She said: another person recording their life is important.  Personal blogging connects people around the world and is a natural evolution in archiving.  Now, I can only assume that she would approve of my recording other peoples’ lives, but I’m fairly certain she’d dig what I do.  I’m not a celebrity blogger because I’m writing about schlubs like you.  They just happen to lead ridiculous lives, and I just happen to love gossip.

Here’s the video of Mena acting as the official cheerleader of blogs and bloggers around the world:

Because I don’t personally live the stories I tell, I’m often asked where I get them from.  Well, an annoying fact of my life is that I’m drawn to 24-hour coffee shops and diners.   I say it’s annoying because while I could be having my own adventures into all hours of the night, I would rather sidle up to some stranger, accept their offer of a boozy hot chocolate, and listen to their stories.  I could be telling you about the great night I had with Frederico, Jean-Marc, or Miguel (if I knew who those men were), but will instead tell you about my new friend, David Boring.  Seriously this guy’s name is a misnomer, because he is all kinds of crazy.  Too harsh, you might comment?  Probably so, but any guy or gal who wants to tell you about their sex life before you’ve exchanged “how-d’you-do’s” is unsettled.  And interesting!

I googled David to see if I could find anything else on him, and I found a picture!  This one’s my favourite: 

 

Look at how radiant he is!

Example 1 of David’s Sex Life 

While I don’t know if David’s latest hook-up is an actual representation of his sex life, it was worth writing down (if you’re the kind of person who can’t control their facial expressions, this is NSFW).  He told me that the other night he was having “sexual intercourse with what the consensus of the day would have held as a perfectly beautiful woman.  Her skin was smooth and elastic, dappled with girlish yellow fuzz.  Her trim, athletic figure was blah blah etc. etc…” (1). Yeah, I don’t think he understood the register in which he was speaking, i.e. a Tim Hortons at 3AM: the customers who are just sitting around at this hour want company, even if it’s from the woman working both storefront and drive-thru who could melt your face off in one look.  We don’t care, we’ll take it!  So when I said “tell me something about yourself,” and got that irony-laden spiel, it was clearly a “misfire”[1].  I still appreciate his flare for naturalism, though.  His description of the shape, colour, and texture of the woman’s body was so objective and not sexy (“elastic”?) that he didn’t even have to say “blah blah etc etc” for me to get the point: this wasn’t his kind of girl! 

This is what I found out after David regaled me with his unfulfilled sex life.

Name: “David Jupiter Boring, the First” (2).

Born: “6th of May in 1978 at 9:10 PM” (2).

From: “Merryvale Township” (3).

Mother: Mrs. Boring, who “[David] grew up…with,” and later “devised a plan to elude [her] umbilical clutches…by moving to the city (where [he] could be certain she would never visit)” (3).

Father: Mr. Boring, a “cartoonist (not the guy who drew S——n in the 1950s),” who “…(escaped when [David] was very young.  His works were thereafter forbidden, though [he] saved a few secret issues)” (2, 3).

Friends: “Whitey, a cynical hayseed with pretensions of urbanity who had been the school puching bag before [his] arrival” and “Dot, [his] only true friend in this miserable life (so far).  [They] made Super-8 movies and talked in endless gynecological detail about the girls in our class (and one particularly braless math teacher)” (3). 

Education: “I was educated at home until I was 14, at which time I was sent to the local high school (go Hootowls)…I spent my senior year in a school for ‘gifted’ children in Liverbrook” (3).

I know what some of you are thinking, because I was thinking it too: David’s lover wasn’t the only thing bothering him.  He’s got some family issues and needs to resolve them the right way, on Springer.  And while it’s only speculative, you’d think his feelings would parallel the reality of what happened: his father left the family, and David was raised by his mom.  And yet it was a victory for his father to have “escaped,” and only a matter of time until he did the same.  Why would David feel so negatively towards his mom?  This reversal of parental (and gender) positions reminds me of an Oedipus complex gone awry.  Was their a castration complex performed?  I’ll answer my own question: I don’t think soooo.  Who would the signify the law?  David Boring has left me with so many questions!

I’d like to see what you guys think!  Comment away!  

 [1] J.L. Austen, How to do Things with Words